Do not put this woman on the deed to your home. Heck, don't marry her. You don't have a Leah problem, you have a fiance problem. Time to move on, buddy.
I agree. OP open your eyes.
agreed Erica is allowing this to happen. There are a lot of boundary issues that show as red flags. The fact that Leah has your code and lets her self in with out letting anyone know is a problem
And you can truly see that Leah does not give a single fuck. She got outed multiple times on camera, got caught nicking a bottle of wine, and did not give a single shit. Leah does not respect the OP, plain and simple. And the Erica is fully endorsing this behavior in "their" house that she does not own any part of.
I’m starting to think Leah did, in fact, have Erica’s permission to take that bottle. Erica just backpedaled and threw her friend under the bus when OP got upset. I wouldn’t be surprised if Leah also thought she had permission to borrow the clubs. After all, we know Erica gave her the key/code AND gave permission to borrow the tools. Either way, neither of the ladies have boundaries. But this sounds like an Erica problem.
Yup, I think Erica has been giving Leah permission for these things. She's not shocked by what's happened just upset by OP trying to assert reasonable boundaries.
I agree. I think Erica is def throwing Leah under the bus. I mean, how else would Leah be able to enter the house in the first place when nobody is home? And being unreasonable about not wanting to hang at Leah's? If Leah's boyfriend was such a "creeper" why would she even let him in their house? Erica sounds like a manipulative partner and friend. Both parties need to lose Erica
>If Leah's boyfriend was such a "creeper" why would she even let him in their house?
That stuck out like a sore fucking thumb to me, too!! It makes no damn sense if she's letting Leah bring him 'round to the house.
I'm glad to see OP gave an update and that he called things off with Erica. But I am super duper curious as to what led to her parents also banning this so called friend of their daughter's from their house, too.
I'm happy OP actually has her parents on his side. Poor dude
Yeah that doesn't happen very often at all!
OP needs to change the codes and tell no one
The only reason I think this might be wrong is that IF my friend said “yeah, go grab a bottle of wine, no big deal!” Or “sure you can borrow my fiancé’s clubs!” And the fiancé was telling me otherwise? I would be contrite and apologetic.
I would probably cover for my friend (depending on the friendship) “I must have misunderstood, I’m so sorry, is there a bottle of wine that she purchased? Maybe that is what she meant…”
“I’m so sorry! Let me get those clubs back to you right away! Is there a special way to clean them?”
It could be both permission and an all around “don’t give a fuck” situation
Leah has permission, doesn’t give a fuck because she’s been given permission by the one person she respects there
fiancé doesn’t give a fuck because she’s an enabler/assumes “what’s mine is yours” means carte Blanche to do whatever the fuck she wants with OP’s stuff
>“what’s mine is yours”
More like, "what's yours is Leah's."
If your hopping in a car to get a bottle of wine....you may as well go to the bottle shop! Unless you had no intention of paying for it....
No decent fiance says "sure, borrow my fiance's clubs." They're not hers to lend out. Clubs can cost hundreds of dollars. If she DID say that, it's time to dump her. If she DIDN'T, the fact that she wasn't horrified that Leah did that is also reason enough to dump her. Immediately.
I dont even think the friend did anything wrong.
His fiancé keeps letting her borrow stuff.
If my friend kept lending me their significant other's stuff and their significant other kept getting upset at me over it I'd stop asking to borrow stuff, or at least confirm with the SO before taking it.
she speaks rude to him tho and she should have some dignity about looting him even if her friend says its ok
Yeah, a good friend wouldn't ask for *this many* different favors so soon like that- it's just not something someone keeps doing unless they don't mind taking advantage of friends and are a selfish person or have few boundaries.
I *might* ask to borrow something, with good reason- but I'm asking BOTH OP and gf, giving my reason, and not being upset at hearing a no. If yes, I return it promptly with cookies. I would never ask for tools, AND booze AND golf clubs though, even if they would agree, it just isn't quite right.
If I ask a favor, it's best to give it time before trying to ask another, or until after you can return the first favor, unless it's super minor. Which these weren't, really. I just think decent friends would worry about imposing. I certainly would!
If my friend’s fiancé made it clear even one time that I did not have permission to enter their home and/or borrow their items, then no matter what **any other person** told me I would assume the fiancé’s word is the prime directive.
Does you husband ask you permission to have friends over?
That’s being considerate of each other, not “super polite”. Consideration in a relationship goes a long ways
Yeah, this should be the standard, rather than the exception. I was recently TA in my relationship for inviting people over without running it by my boyfriend first. It ruined my whole day when he called me out on it, but when I was still in a bad mood later and *he* started to apologize to *me* I stopped him. He didn't ruin my day; I did that to myself by being an AH and making a unilateral decision that affects both of us.
You get a gold star ⭐️ for self-reflection and being honest with yourself and him. Happy relationshiping!
Yeah I'm totally curious about this as well. Granted me and my GF rent our flat but we both ask each other prior to having friends over.
Yeah, my husband and I will ask each other if it's Ok to have friends over because sometimes one will have forgotten we've got plans that night, or maybe the other just don't want people in their space that evening, or maybe the house is a disaster or something and it's not good timing. But not like, *permission* permission, more a courtesy check-in, and not if the other person isn't home.
My wife and I let each other know when we have friends or family coming and we never give them free reign over our house without a consensus on it being ok. I can’t imagine just letting someone I know come in and do whatever without me there or her aware and ok with it.
Only thing I would say different is that she doesn't respect her best friend Erica either. Now with them being engaged Erica's Leah probably is now either OP's problem either as a Leah problem or an Erica problem.
>Leah does not respect the OP, plain and simple. And the Erica is fully endorsing this behavior in "their" house that she does not own any part of.
Possibly because Erica also doesn't respect OP. If she did, she'd be more protective of his belongings and his boundaries. u/theantwonder1, everyone here is telling you the same thing. Your problem isn't Leah. It's Erica. Think carefully before you proceed any further with this relationship.
Time to call the police. Erica isn't even involved in this. Leah stole clubs, period. She never asked, it was never floated, she just took them. That's theft. That's entering under false pretenses and possibly burglary.
Leah is a thief
& when it’s not Leah anymore, it’ll be another new shitty friend Erica does this with. If your fiancé’s lack of boundaries, respect of property, etc are affecting you now that’s not going to go away with Leah. You need a fiancé that respects you & your home.
I disagree. I think it could go away with Leah.
According to OP, Erica and Leah have been friends since high school. And I'm willing to bet this dynamic has existed just as long. It's entirely possible that she grew up with it and sees it as "just normal Leah stuff" instead of what it actually is, Leah being a shit friend and a steamroller who doesn't care about boundaries.
I vote NTA because Erica needed this wake up call to show that Leah's shitty and just because they were friends in high school doesn't mean she should continue the relationship into adulthood.
The problem is that Erica should be an adult able to form and reassess her own opinion, especially about a person showing disrespect to her home and partner. It's a pretty severe lack of judgment that she's not willing to do so. And you never know when the next Leah will come around and it will begin again because Erica is willing to accept it as normal even from another person.
I agree but this may be the way that reassessment happens. Realizing that a close friend's selfishness is starting to affect your life in a major way - like your relationship with your fiance - does lead people to realize it's time to let a person go.
It's why I said OPs NTA. Pushing her to reassess Leah is absolutely necessary
Erica and Leah are best friends. That doesn't happen if Erica would have any issues with what they're doing. Erica doesn't respect you. She doesn't respect your privacy. She doesn't respect you enough to keep your hard earned items from being taken.
Not only did Erica allow it to happen, she’s covering for Leah and she’s not mad about it. Biggest red flag of all.
Leah is a thief and Erica enables her
And if Leah has the code, there's a chance that sketch-boy has/will have the code, plus who knows who else.
Yeah, change the code.
Erica also covers for her thieving friend
What else has she taken that hasn’t been noticed yet?
Definitely agree. Fiancé definitely is blowing him off and possibly is telling Leah to treat the home like hers. Definitely a no on putting her on the home. Definitely change garage door code.
>and possibly is telling Leah to treat the home like hers.
I have a friend that I play pathfinder with. Last night at his house he literally told me to "treat his house like mine."
Know what I do? I treat it *better*. Put my glass in the sink, throw my left overs away, clean up after myself. And while I don't have to ask permission to get water or a drink, I do say a bit of an announcement, "I'm going to get a glass of water." Friend, "Please do!"
It's called being respectful.
OP, change your garage code and don't tell the fiancee, she can't be trusted.
Edit: thanks for the awards!
Same! I have a garage code to my best friend’s home and I only use it when I confirm with her that I’m going to use it at a certain time, and usually it’s just to let myself in to her house to visit her.
I had a key to my friend’s house for years, and ONLY ever used it to let myself in when they weren’t there, and that only ever happened when they needed someone there to receive a shipment of inventory (we were both vendors at anime/sci-fi conventions, and he would regularly get in inventory worth thousands of dollars that would otherwise be sitting on his doorstep all day while they both worked). Bonus: I got to play with their cats while I waited, and would sometimes do dishes or whatever if they were too tired to get them done the night before.
Yes! Treat my home like yours should mean feel comfortable grabbing a glass of water or juice without asking, or help yourself to snacks that are out, or read the titles on my bookshelf. It doesn't mean help yourself to my nice things without asking.
>Definitely change garage door code.
Only problem with is is, if OP gives the code to his fiancé she will just pass it along to her friend.
OP needs to break up with his fiancé, and get police involved. Maybe put a restraining order on both Leah and her boyfriend; they are both allowed near OP's home, and make sure to prosecute if they are caught in his home.
Yeah. He said that she has garage door opener. So he doesn’t need to give her the new code. However, I would definitely just go the route restraining order.
Yeah, I hope he changed that code.
Kinda ironic how Erica doesn't wanna go to Leah's house due to a housemate making her uncomfortable, but when the same thing comes to OP...
Came here to say just this. Spot on!
>Kinda ironic how Erica doesn't wanna go to Leah's house due to a housemate making her uncomfortable, but when the same thing comes to OP...
Mmmmmm, her lack of giving 2 heaps of smoldering dung to OP's feelings are truly telling.
Absolutely. Fiancé has given someone else (I’m assuming without your permission?) the code to access your house any time they want. She’s also given someone else, on MULTIPLE occasions, your things without asking you. She has no respect for you, your things or your house. The things the friend takes are going escalate to more and more expensive items.
This is dangerous and super disrespectful. I’m not into always saying to break up with someone, but you need to really question if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life? With your “partner” giving away all your things without your consent, letting others go into your house without you even knowing, having zero respect for you. What happens when these people really rob you? What happens when you think it’s her friend rummaging in your house and it’s a complete stranger robbing you and they hurt you? Are you OK with this happening when you have kids?
I think it’s time to ask fiancé to leave. Change the locks. Change the passcode. You are not at all compatible and it sounds like she sees you as a provider for for her and her friends. Not a partner she respects.
I’ve been married for 28 years, 2 teenage kids, joint finances, everything shared, and I still wouldn’t let a close friend borrow anything of my husband’s without his consent. This is seriously messed up.
My husband has an extensive library which includes books costing hundreds of dollars. If someone "borrowed" a book of his without his express permission--and he rarely lends his books out--I'd hit the ceiling. And that person would never, ever be welcomed in our home again.
Married 19 years, 2 kids, joint finances, same. And I’d be furious if one of my so-called friends was taking my husband’s valuable things without asking.
>it sounds like she sees you as a provider for for her and her friends. Not a partner she respects.
That's exactly what I was thinking as I read all the ways Erica has allowed Leah to violate OP in JUST FOUR MONTHS. Neither of them have any respect for you.
i feel like erika and leah have more modest incomes than OP and they see him as someone to use? i do not know tho
Definitely agree. As a I was reading I was thinking it's a fiance problem. There are sooooo many 🚩🚩🚩🚩
If this doesn’t Open Op eye with the amount of Red flags she is waving. He probably be blind.
To add on, not putting her name on the house isn’t just a trump card. Different states have different rules and without a formal renters agreement, she could have rights just living there even without marriage. Definitely don’t let her pay for any home improvements while you figure out your legal standing here.
In many states it only takes staying a few days to a month to establish residency. A lot of people believe that is determined by the deed, who pays the mortgage or rent, who's on the lease, etc, but there's a lot of situations where none of that is applicable.
Erica has rights as a resident, which includes inviting guests over. Truth is, OP is not gonna get rid of Leah until he gets rid of Erica. She'll at best only invite Leah over when she thinks OP won't find out. And the police won't do much if called, because Leah *does* have permission to be there if a resident says she does.
The not putting her on the deed is about not giving her equity and not having to give her part of the house if they split up. It’s not about residents rights.
>you have a fiance problem
>Leah used my garage code and took the clubs
The fiancé apparently gave Leah the code. WTF? F! You probably yelled like a guy. I would have blown up like Mount Vesuvius, leaving no survivors. Just nuke it hard, it's the only way to be sure!
Yeah... I can only think of 3 reasons for your fiance to be acting this way:
1) she's truly spineless and used to her friend taking advantage of her so she thinks it's normal
2) she doesn't actually care about you and she and the friend are both using you
3) the friend is blackmailing her
Oh shit, if it's the third one, this will achieve soap opera levels of drama.
Now i need to know more.
Yes, your Fiancee is making you out to be the Bad Guy and supporting her friend's abuse of you. You need to rethink this engagement.
shes not even mad her her friend for stealing from him
None of this is appropriate. I'm stressed about OP's missing stuff and I don't even know the guy. Wake up and dump this girl and her friend. They are abusing your trust.
OP Erica needs to open her eyes to the seriousness of this.
The fact that she is dismissive about her friend taking your stuff, without your permission, or the fact that your fiancé is possibly giving the okay without your permission, is not cool and is quite a red flag. I mean were you actually going to get any of these things back if you hadnt noticed they were missing??
Your fiancé is enabling her friend’s behavior. This “borrowing,” will become a regular occurrence, that will only become bigger and bigger requests, ie borrowing your car or asking for a large amount of money. And sure we can give and loan things to our friends *when they ask* and we know they are *mature, trusting and responsible*, but Leah does not seem to be any of those things. Please talk again with your fiancé, and if she doesn’t budge ask yourself if you want to marry someone who won’t stick up for you when you are being disrespected and taken advantage of.
This is the right answer. If she’s going to let her friend do whatever she wants now, it’s only going to get worse once you’re married and she’s on the deed. Time to move on.
Also, I would keep copies of the security footage, just in case, and change the garage code.
Already have done these things but thank you for the advice. I won’t give Erica the new code, she has the clicker to get in and out but I’m not comfortable giving her the code until this whole situation works itself out.
If you can't trust your fiancée with your security code...
You guys should see someone together before you get married & have a lot of discussions on your future and how you both see things.
>You guys should see someone together before you get married
He also should see someone alone and be wary that couple counseling hands a low of weapons to abusers.
Wait, seriously? Could you elaborate on this?
It gives the abuser the victims language. This allows the abuser to manipulate the victim further by gaslighting them into believing they are in fact the abuser, not the victim. This can happen a lot in situations where the abuser is female and the victim is male. Especially due to the fact that victims in this situation often aren’t taken seriously.
Basically it can give the abuser more ideas on how to manipulate and control their partners, while making it look like their victims are the ones doing the abusing.
Wow you just connected some old dots for me, not about counselors specifically but the way abusers co-opt victim’s language. I’ve read about DARVO but never really could describe in detail how things always seemed to get turned back around on me.
Tony Soprano's therapist eventually wanted to stop treating him, because all she had done is teach him about human nature and help him be a better manipulator.
Another great resource is "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft
It's written about men but the abusive behaviors he describes are actually universal.
I can vouch for this one and thanks so much for the comment. My ex is this kind of person she would frequently gaslight to the point I would question my own sanity.
After I left she tried and tried and tried to push for couples counciling and even tried to get external people to push me to it.
I was abused for years and knew I just wanted out after I realized I was being abused. This would have given her a chance to manipulate and gaslight and break me down further.
I was already glad I said no, after this comment thank fuck I said no because that was 100% the endgame.
Fun fact: this can happen even easier to *children* whose parents are their abusers. Parents send kid to therapist, because they're narcissistic and abusive, so the kid's sadness/depression/anxiety/etc couldn't *possibly* be *their* fault. Kid pours heart out to therapist thinking it is a safe space because *they were told that*. Therapist tells parent everything. Parent then weaponizes what the therapist told them against the child.
I’m not an expert on the matter (nor the person you replied to) but from my understanding since couples counselling is based on getting couples to communicate and understand each other better, the abuser can use that to their advantage to manipulate the sessions into being tools for further gaslighting. If the therapist doesn’t recognise the abuse dynamic they may unknowingly aid the abuser, and the terminology used in counselling could be weaponised by the abuser outside the sessions.
My dad did this after my parents separated. When I was around 11 he found a sympathetic therapist who he would sit me down with every few months to explain (justify) his shitty behavior towards me. Never made him admit he was wrong, only the "your poor dad had a rough childhood, so you just need to deal with his shittyness till he gets better". Spoiler! He never got better.
Without the therapist (my parents didn't believe in therapy), I got told that all the time as a kid: "your poor dad, he had a hard time as a kid." He was abusive, but yet I was supposed to feel sorry for HIM. What a horrible thing to do to a kid. Sorry it happened to you.
I wouldn't call Erica an abusor so much as someone who simply doesn't care about OP's boundaries regarding Leah and his house/things. That's a serious issue for sure, but I wouldn't be so quick to say that she would be able to manipulate a couple's counselor the same way an abusor would or whatever an abusor's going to do to gain an upper hand in the situation.
Couple's counseling *is* designed to help couples express and understand boundaries, which is what the problem here is.
I wouldn't say this is one of those situations. To me, it seems Erica is so used to Leah's behavior that she genuinely doesn't see the problem, rather than she is an abuser. That's a situation where, if both parties are willing, couples therapy could absolutely help. But I do agree that couples therapy works best paired along with individual therapy.
Now if someone were to suggest going to therapy with Leah, then yeah I would agree that's a bad idea because she is manipulative and likely abusive.
Here’s what puzzles me. If you didn’t have the cameras and called them out on it? Would you have ever gotten your stuff back?
I don’t think Erica is grasping this reality. That they are stealing and only claiming they’re “borrowing” after being caught.
Exactly. What have they taken that hasn’t been noticed as missing yet??
Ding! Ding! Ding! This right here.
And Erica would sooner hurt OP and cover for her friend than hold Leah accountable. She \~really\~ needs to get her priorities and her boundaries straight.
I would guess that he would never have gotten his things back. Erica would have been like "Gosh, I dunno, you must have misplaced them!" Erica protects Leah and only Leah.
It's not that she's not grasping it. Even a 3 year old can grasp that.
It's that she doesn't respect OP enough to care.
The only way this works itself out is if y'all go to couples counseling and she actively changes and starts prioritizing you or you have her move out and end the relationship.
username checks out
99% of the time when I see this sentence it’s referencing /u/I_Suggest_Therapy
Tbf, everyone should get therapy
Upvoted just bc of the username
Sorry OP, but you will continue to have problems while Erica is living at your house. Once you put her on the deed, she WILL say that it's her house too, so she can let them come over whenever she wants. And she will throw "marital property" into the arguement. You're already being taken for a very costly ride. If you do marry her, don't add her to the deed, and get a prenup to ensure you keep the house if you get divorced.
I need you to think about what you are signing up for.
Your Fiance, who's likely on her \*best\* behavior, can't be trusted with access to your garage. Once your married everything will be "community" property which means it will belong to you, Erica, Leah and Leah's boyfriend. You won't get to call the cops for them stealing because Erica will have the right to loan out, or give away YOUR stuff.
Also, 100% Leah and her boyfriend will be living in your house 10 seconds after Erica is put on the deed. You already know Leah and Erica don't like Leah's apartment. What do you think the next step is?
Came here to say exactly this! Clearly Leah is more important to OP’s fiancé than OP himself.
You would seriously marry someone you don’t even trust with the garage code? If I were you I would think long and hard about this relationship.
What's to stop Erica giving leah the clicker?
Sorry buddy, but if you can't trust the partner who is living in your home with your passcode, you're at a major relationship crossroads.
Erica values Leah's friendship more than she values your home, your most-loved possessions, and your feelings of security. She values Leah's friendship more than she values *you*.
You could force a Leah-or-me ultimatum, but that rarely goes well. It tends to just prolong the agony with the same end result. If you get to the point of needing an ultimatum like that, the emergency exit door has already opened, and you should take it.
Sorry to say this but you need a new gf. She has way to many red flags to keep around
If you can’t trust your fiancé to not allow you to be stolen from you need to leave her. This is not going to improve over time.
can i ask, do you have "a lot of money" as compared to them (in their opinion anyway)? this smells of resentment leading to an idea of entitlement to using you....
That's a huge problem. Like it or not, Erica lives with you. You either need to kick her out and probably break up, or accept that she has equal rights to the house. Maybe legally you can say that you're the owner, but as far as your relationship goes, you've got this woman you're planning to marry while at the same time you're saying she essentially does not have the same rights as you within her home (and it is her home too, now that she has moved in). You start playing the "it's *my* house" card, and it's all over. That's too much power for one person to have in an equal relationship. Sounds like the two of you need counseling. Sorry you're going through this, but hopefully this is a wake up call that didn't come too late.
NTA but are you sure you want to marry this woman? She's either an idiot for letting her friend rob you both or the two of them are in on something.
Some second thoughts have definitely crept in, especially putting her name on the house. Just a tough situation because Erica doesn’t have a ton of close friends.
I hate to say this because frankly I don't have many close friends at all, but sometimes there is a reason for that. Especially if they take people's stuff
I don't have many friends either but it's because I cut people like Leah and Erica out of my life before they can do more damage. I was raised in a pretty abusive household and made some poor friend choices as a result that have completely gutted me emotionally. I'd rather have almost no friends by choice than associate with shitbags.
BUT you're 100% right that some people don't have many friends because they're bad people and **they're** the ones people [like me] have cut out of their lives.
This is how I am, although my abusive wasn't physical, just neglect really. I never had a chance to make friends with how much we moved around and once I got to settle down I still haven't found anyone that isn't just cruel or completely two-faced (even if it's not to me, I can't trust people that would do stuff like that to others). So I'd rather be friendless until I can find someone that's worth the effort.
Wow.... yeah I feel all that. My parents moved every 2-4 years. We even moved back to one state numerous times. But my "friends" I had there wanted nothing to do with me. Which was fun.
Other wise I attract really toxic/awful people. So the "friends" I had, I booted to the curb.
I bet the friends you DO have aren't moochers though. It's not the amount of friends, it's the quality of them.
But if you are having second thoughts on anything, have a LONG engagement to think things through. Confront Leah and Erica together. List all the insistence of theft and lay out the ground rule. Leah can not be at the house without supervision, Erica cannot give permission for your property being "borrowed": tools, golf clubs, etc. If you see Leah or her BF at the house without Erica, you will call the police. Change the code on the garage, now. If Erica has a problem with ant of this, the engagement period will be prolonged one more month. If family starts giving you crap, send them video of the security show Leah B&E and taking you're clubs.
And maybe the engagement period shouldn’t involve living together
That won’t allow Erica to show growth. It’ll just happen again once they’re married.
not really a good idea.
you need co-habitation to iron out the problems
otherwise if they pop up and you're already married that's a whole different ballgame you need to play
Do not and I repeat DO NOT put her name on that house. Period.
I’m waiting for the follow up to this “I got mad at my wife for letting her best friend write her name on the deed to our house in crayon. Am I the asshole?”
I laughed so hard at that image lol.
You know Leah grips the crayon with her whole fist when she writes
Do not marry a woman who thinks not having “a ton of close friends” is enough to warrant letting a friend steal and break in.
“I’m not asking you to choose between me and Leah. I’m asking you to respect my boundaries.”
Dude, there are other women out there. This one is going to destroy your life with drama. Why do that to yourself.
Want to guess why? I wouldn't put her name on the house until at least a few years in because Leah sounds like the vindictive type and might try to convince Erica you are "abusive and controlling" but it's clear that's Leah's game.
>especially putting her name on the house
Don't do it. It's your house, she isn't entitled to any portion of it. I'd actually be having second thoughts about marrying her, since she will not defend you and thinks it's no big deal that her friend is stealing from you. "Borrowing" without permission is theft.
NTA and if Leah comes over I would call the cops, because she has sticky fingers.
Def keep the house separate if you do end up marrying her. Something doesn’t feel right
There is a reason as to why she barely has any friends
Yes, but maybe not what you think. Leah may have run them all off. Leah sounds like an abusive spouse.
This is exactly where my thinking went. Not to let Erica off the hook for enabling Leah's crap, but the fact that Leah's BF is apparently a loser/sketchball makes me wonder if this is a case of Leah purposely causing problems in Erica's relationship to try to drag her back down to Leah's level. 100% speculation but it is a dynamic I've seen play out in real life.
If you marry her she could become entitled to half your assets regarding of if her name is on that deed. Marrying her right now sounds like a horrible idea. If you still do it get a prenup.
When you are really good friends with someone it's sometimes difficult to take seriously all the bad things they do
You are NTA *but* you are focusing on the wrong issue.
You have a SO problem. Leah would never have had the chance of disrespecting you (not more that once at least) if your fiancée had done her job and put her in her place.
Your fiancée has no respect for you and your property.
And not to mention - Leah’s bf skeeves her out, so she allows Leah to bring him to your house??
How’s this making sense??
I don’t always like Reddit’s “break up now” reaction, but you’re looking to get fully burgled at this point if you don’t stop it. And it could be that cops won’t be able to do anything since they have the keys to your kingdom - er - house.
I too rarely ever agree with how quickly Reddit jumps to “break up now” but this⬆️ comment is spot on. Protect yourself! NTA
Usually the reaction is because the behavior is so extreme by the time they get to reddit that leave them is a valid response. Most of the time I get the feeling these people are only looking for permission to do what they want because they are too good and don't want to hurt anyone.
True but I’ve seen an equal number of times when “dammit talk between yourselves” is a valid response and instead the red flags start dropping
I would be livid if one of my friends did this to my husband. Maybe the first time I could chalk it up to a misunderstanding but I would make clear that it never happens again. I personally wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who does this.
OP, imagine dealing with this situation when the fiancé legally owns half of everything due to marital property? Leaving the relationship now is the best option and I never say that lightly. This is not acceptable in any way and even if she apologizes it changes nothing in the way of not respecting OP or their property.
Your girlfriend is TA for putting a literal thief over you. You have every right to call the police, and I'm actually shook that she's not on your side on this!
I love how she’s fine not being comfortable around the shady boyfriend, but OP is a major asshole for expressing doubts about the fiancés friend AND boyfriend. Honey if you don’t like being near him, time to lay down rules.
Unfortunately, all it would take is Erica, who lives there, saying she let them in and offered them to borrow items.
She literally stole from you. End of story.
Careful. Once she's on the deed she's going to pull the "well it's my house now too" shit.
You KNOW it.
You can almost hear it now can't you?
*"I am on the deed, I'm contributing now, I deserve respect (despite not giving OP any) in my own house! You are being controlling, omg such an asshole for not wanting stuff you paid good money for stolen! How dare you treat me bad even though I have NO boundaries!"*
Nah, its so obvious you can smell it already. Glad he dumped her to the curb.
NTA: you’re being disrespected by all the people involved including your own partner, how bad will it get when she in on the papers? I’d be letting that wait a while till this situation sorts itself out. Your partner has a responsibility to put across healthy boundaries and it seems you’re having the piss ripped right out you.
The best part is “i don’t want to go to my friends apartment! Her bf makes me uncomfortable! So he should come here and *you* deal with him”
This behavior is unacceptable and your fiancé is exhibiting some red flags of her own. She shouldn't be allowing her friend to touch your possessions, she shouldn't be dismissing your concerns and she shouldn't be allowing others to disrespect you or violate your boundaries. She is also being obtuse and difficult when you are asking for a reasonable boundary.
NTA, change the codes and keep all the footage. Your fiance is just as bad as her friend as she is allowing these things to happen by giving them access to your house. If things don't change once the codes are changed then reconsider the relationship unless you don't mind having your belongings gone through and taken when you're not there.
Why wait for after the codes changed? Erica already is dismissing his wants/feelings and doesn’t care her best friend is disrespectful and stealing from him. Rethink this relationship and do not put her name for a long time on the house once it is, it will be “her house her rules” too and the best friend will be there allllll the time!
Change the codes and don't give them to Erica OR tell her if you see Leah using the codes to come in again, Erica can leave and figure out how to live with Leah and the creepy boyfriend.
Because it takes 2 seconds to change the codes and then he can specifically tell her that she's not to give them to anyone. If she does then he knows she doesn't care about him or his property.
Leah and her boyfriend are a shitshow and entitled freeloaders who don't seem to respect boundaries. Erica is being an enabler. I would seriously rethink the plan to put her on the deed. NTA
This, I know what it’s like to have a friend like Leah (not to the point where they took from my partners but just was afreeloader) and maybe she needs a long talk about how unhealthy and one sided this friendship is. It took me 15 years to accept that my best friend SUUUCKS. And to finally say, if you’re only around to take from me stay away.
NTA - the fact that she is taking stuff without YOUR permission is not okay. You own that house and your personal items being taken with permission isn't okay.
Your fiancé needs to really think about her friends actions. Giving the code to your garage is not okay.
Makes me wonder what else they have taken, without you noticing.
I think it is perfectly acceptable to not want disrespectful people in your home.
I was just thinking that too. You might want to start looking at your valuables and make sure they’re still where you put them.
NTA. They’re probably working together and it sounds like you’re in danger and have been identified as some kind of mark. These people aren’t TA either; they are acting like sociopathic criminals.
Yep. Erica reels OP in, Leah knocks them off.
This. I’m positive that Erica is in on the thefts. I’m really curious what kind of job and income her and her friends have compared to OP and I also wonder if there is addiction that OP does know about.
Oh you're positive, are you? She's playing the date him, fuck him, marry him, 2+ year reallll long con? Jesus Christ man, do you trust no one?
Ffs, occam's razor would I think suggest here that some people just have shitty friends that they either won't admit or don't know are as shitty as they are. I may be wrong here, but having given my own past friends(TFG) a pass for their shitty behavior, it happens. Erica needs a hard sit down and come to Jesus talk, and so does her friend.
If the friend wants to come over ever again, EVER, literally zero things are borrowed without OPs explicit permission, and even then, just no really to borrowing anything. That bridge is burned. If Erica can't accept that, she needs new friends, or a new fiancee.
NTA and as others have said the big problem here is your fiancé I'm sorry to say. Obviously Leah and her bf are shitty people, but your fiancé is enabling them to treat you this way.
1. Told them they could take your tools without asking you
2. Made excuses for Leah when she likely lied about stealing the Wine
3. Gave them access to your home when she knows they have been disrespecting your belongings
4. Disregarded your feelings when you explained to her why you felt the way you did after stealing your clubs
She regularly defends her shitty friend, and seemingly never has your back at all. What if she had succeeded in stealing the wine? What if the clubs had been returned to you damaged or broken? Do you think she'd have your back when you want to get them paid for or replaced?
If it were me, I'd be really thinking hard about why I'm even in a relationship with someone who shows such little respect for me, my belongings, and most importantly your feelings, thoughts and opinions.
NTA and I'd reconsider marrying Erica. Her friend stole from you and she not only defended her, she's giving you the silent treatment over it?
NTa. Erica doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that it’s okay to invite a proven thief into your home. Period.
NTA, and I would not marry this girl.
NTA. First and foremost, it is your house. Your name is the only one on the title. You have revoked Leah's access as a guest. You have the right to bar her from your home.
In the relationship department, I suspect Erica has been seeing this behavior for some time, and is stressed on how to get it to stop/resolve itself. The fact she's begging you and not Leah means Leah is a lot more vitriolic than she is even to your face. I suggest getting Erica to a counselor to come up with some boundary setting strategies that will help her preserve her friendship, if that's what she wants.
For you - change your garage code. Also, if you have an Alexa or similar, definitely do some of those hilarious "when garage code is used play Skyrim attack and dim the lights" lol.
NTA. Your fiancé is either whipped hard by Leah like a pet dog, or she just doesn't give a shit about you.
NTA but it sounds like Erica and you are not on the same page. She seems to enjoy having a more open home while you appear to enjoy a more private home. Neither opinion is wrong, however I would definitely recommend a conversation about what limits you each have regarding visitors, especially unsupervised visitors.
This is more than just a difference between open versus private. We all might be telling OP he needs to compromise if it was simply that Erica liked to have Leah over a lot. If Erica is living in the home, she should be able to have guests over. However, Leah and her bf have overstepped by taking things without permission and being disrespectful to OP in his own home. My guess is that this does not get better and it would be best if OP broke it off with Erica. Leah and her bf aren’t going to change and Erica is not going to cut Leah out.
She seems to enjoy giving people his stuff, he seems to somehow not enjoy being taken from.
No, Erica's "opinion" is absolutely wrong. She's condoning theft. She's allowing Leah to take OP's things repeatedly and doing nothing about it. Thats not having an "open home".
NTA - You have made your position 100% clear. Follow through on it. Your GF should not be putting her friend above you in this situation and maybe you should consider your relationship in light of this.
NTA. Change your codes & have a frank & honest discussion with Erica. You cannot trust her friend, and she seems to care more about that friend than you. If this is how it’s gonna be, do you really want to marry her?
NTA - Postpone the wedding till you get this sorted out. Your fiancé is the problem, not her friend. I also wouldn’t put your Fiancés name on the house.
I get Erica, but the fact that her friend doesn't like her apartment doesn't mean she can live at your place and treat it as if it was hers. At the same time, I'm sad to hear that Erica doesn't feel comfortable being with Leah's boyfriend, but still..
Also, Leah stole from you! She was completely disrespectful with you and with your stuff.
**NTA.** Leah is a thief and Erica is enabling her. Erica is fine with her taking your things and letting Leah go into your home when no one (or she thinks no one) is home. She gave her the codes to the garage, want to bet she has the security system codes, too? Change them immediately, btw.
I'm probably being overdramatic, but I could see Leah lying in wait for you and injuring or harming you because you are not allowing her to steal and run roughshod over you. It's like the plot of a Lifetime movie and the unsuspecting partner always end up in the boneyard. Ya'll get married, you put her on the deed and then boom! Erica and her boyfriend crack your skull open and you disappear.
I don’t believe this for a second. You broke up with your fiancé because of some comments on Reddit? This sub is pathetic
How anyone can read the update and think this is real, is beyond me.
Seriously. Is this like a roleplaying sub or something? This is fucking ridiculous
it keeps getting worse and worse. I feel like people are treating this sub as a writing prompt to see how credible their writing is. Mods should really intervene at some point.
came here to look for this comment. looks like an "and everyone clapped" moment. Can't wait to take my clubs out more and play a round now that i have more free time? no. just no.
No you’re not. It’s absolutely disrespectful on so many levels. They shouldn’t be going through here to barrow YOUR stuff.. if it was hers.. maybe but, they shouldn’t be in there while you guys aren’t home.. you’ve been extremely patient and I personally would’ve called the police already
NTA-change the locks. Change your garage code. And if you see Leah do just as what you said: call the cops. Ultimately this is your house and Erica is a guest with no legal bearing. Your fiancé is taking the side of her thief of a bf-big red flag
NTA , might be time to change your garage code to stop the thefts.
But Erica is a pushover, and leah is trash. Sorry.notsorry.
Neither of them respect you. And you can expect your future to be more of this. Your gf is being very dismissive of you, and all this before even getting her name on the lease! Imagine what happens when she is on there?
They're treating you like a chump, buddy...
NTA this is a hill I'd die on. The repeated times your items are being taken without your consent. That's a respect issue. While it's obvious she doesn't respect your property. She doesn't even care about your opinion, or preference to not have someone borrowing items without consent. All the while backing up her best friend over you. She's making a clear choice here.
Do NOT put her on your title. In fact, I'd be rethinking quite a bit. Marriage is hard. It takes a partnership. A real, open communication partnership. You should be able to trust your partner. In this way she has betrayed your trust and shown she holds little regard for your opinion.
This is how it comes off. I'd be having a talk. I wouldn't say dump her unless she doubles down. I'd give her the opportunity to recognize what is happening. There will more than likely end up being.an ultimatum. I wouldn't offer it up unless you're ready to walk.
NTA but I'm wondering why your fiance is so defensive about it and how her friend treats you. Not saying you should call off the wedding or break-up but I'd take a hard look at someone who so quickly dismisses her friend's actions.
Erica has no problem with Leah coming in and getting what she wants.
Erica gives Leah the access. Sure police is a problem but if Leah tells police Erica gave me the code to get that and Erica backs Leah (to protect her friend from prosecution) then it's between the op and Erica
As said it's an Erica problem. Yes the police can help but its between the op and Erica.
NTA. You honestly need to tell Erica that Leah is never allowed in your home again, now or after you're married, and if she insists then she needs to move out too because she is being very disrespectful of your things. Also that, if Leah or any of Erica's other friends/family end up with ANY of your belongings without your express consent you will immediately call the police and press charges, no excuses, no exceptions. So Erica's choices are to learn to stand up to Leah and keep her out and stay with you or she can choose Leah and move the fuck out herself. You also need to tell her you're insisting on premarital counseling to help you feel safe that she will learn how wrong what she's been allowing is so it won't happen once you're married.
NTA. Is this new behavior for the friend, as in it began when she started dating this guy? Either way, it is your house and you shouldn't have to worry about your shit being nicked. That's ridiculous.
I understand why your gf doesn't want to cut off her friend, but even she admits the BF makes her uncomfortable.
Not the asshole! I would also change your garage code if you can.