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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the AH because I laughed in Kyle’s face about his concerns. I didn’t try to compromise with him, nor did I try to look at the situation from a “non-pet owner” POV. I really care about Kyle. I never apologized for laughing in his face. My friends are split - but say some of his demand aren’t ridiculous and I actually am being kinda gross. Kyle and I are not speaking right now.
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NTA-Crumb sounds like a great cat! Your boyfriend, not so great. Keep the cat, ditch the boyfriend. You’ll be happier.
Leave the gun, take the cannoli ❤️🐈⬛
I agree that letting Crumb rub up against your toothbrush is not exactly hygienic. For that one you may wanna replace the head of it. But everything else.... is Kyles problem.
I have an 8 month old kitten. She has decided we are soul mates. She doesn’t like cat beds. She sleeps with me and my husband. To clarify though, the kitten sleeps on top of the bedcovers near where my feet are.
Crumb *lives* with you, the boyfriend only visits. If anyone has to get in a crate it should be him.
Edit: I’m allergic to cats (will die before I give mine up though). Thorough cleaning of items also works too!
It's unhygienic but a good rinse with isopropyl and then hot water will sterilize it if there's no cat hair on it. People are too quick to dispose of things when cleaning them is also an option.
Yeah how did all these people forget that cleaning is an option
Decades of propaganda to toss and replace instead of fix. It keeps the economy going and we need to make the 1% even richer so they can live comfortably while the world burns (literally and figuratively).
Some people might read this and think it's an overblown statement that has nothing to do with this scenario but you're 100% correct. The mindset seeps into every part of society and it's really destructive
Yep. Centuries of us living in a circular economy were replaced within 50 years through marketing to convince us that it’s normal to use disposable everything and not harmful to the environment
I hate it when people say disposable things are convenient. How? I have a dishwasher, I have a laundry machine, I can toss my dirty things in there and they'll be clean in 2 hours. Compare to taking out the trash everyday, monitor when I'm running out of things and drive to a store to look for new things and pay money for them. Where is the goddamn convenience in that?
I second all these replies. We are going to go extinct from the disease of consumerism.
Tooth brush heads are designed to be replaced every few months
Yes, the bristles start to wear down.
Doesn't mean you need to replace it every time it gets dirty.
Too right! And a cat might not be clean but people need to ask their dentists about mouth bacteria.... A good rinse and soak in white vinegar and the toothbrush will be fine. Cats before boyfriend.
I default to my response simply cause I’m allergic to cat hair. I love my baby girl so I don’t care that I have to take antihistamines each day but cat hair in my mouth might not be ideal.
Cleaning is totally fine if you’re not allergic though! Just gotta be thorough with it!
Same! Two weeks after I got my baby girl my doc informed me I was allergic to her and I need to get rid of her. Too late, already in love, next option. Allergy shots in my ass once a month (lasted 2 years). Totally worth it! After 13 years I'm used to always being a little stuffy and only one guy got jealous of her. He lasted about 30 seconds after he asked me to stop letting her sleep with me (change my sheets every 3-4 days) bc I said no to getting rid of her (4years) before I told him to forget my number.
It's also not very unhygienic.
There are many worse things I can imagine...
Frankly, eating a piece of food from the floor is probably more unhygienic.
And expensive electric toothbrushes have replacement heads. They're very reasonably priced at Costco if you want brand, or on Amazon if off-brand is alright.
Totally totally NTA. Disclaimer: I have 2 cats right now, but even if I didn't, an animal that NEVER leaves the house can't be very unclean.
Dr. Tichenor's Mouthwash Concentrate is 70% alcohol (a lot of hand sanitizers don't have that high a concentration of alcohol!) is safer to use than isopropyl alcohol. Rinse off the brush and let the final rinse be the mouthwash - good as gold! The peppermint in the mouthwash may act as a deterrent to future rubbing episodes!
My cat LOVES mint. I was sucking on a candy cane and he tried to put his head in my mouth. Cats are weirdos.
True, but you’re supposed to replace the brush heads on electric toothbrushes on a regular basis anyway. That’s why they sell hem in multi packs.
We have to put toothbrushes in drawers because my oldest boy likes to rub his face on them and chew them. I'm probably gross but I'll just rinse it under hot water for a minute or two 🙈
Not gonna lie, this comment made me paranoid enough to check my toothbrush for cat hair haha
We're safe! ... for now
I ended up giving one to my cat. She’ll “hug” it and rub her face on it by herself sometimes, but will certainly take advantage if we hold it out for her.
I mean... if he was just rubbing his face against it, the only really gross thing getting on it is fur. Just pick out the fur and run it under some really hot water. If you want to be extra cautious, yeah get a replacement head but I wouldnt say its super needed tbh unless he was licking it or smth
I wish mine slept in a cat bed, or by the foot of my bed. My cat sleeps either in between me and my husband, or right next to me, snuggled next to me like a teddy bear. I adopted him when he was 7; and he decided I was his human. I wouldn’t dream of locking him in a crate, or shutting him out of any place in his home (though we do shut the bathroom door as Maggie likes drinking for the toilet). But never anything for his comfort!
We had a cat who likes to sleep in bed with us, but it was my husband she wanted. She'd nip my toes so I would jump and she could get between us and get his cuddles instead. I couldn't even be mad, I found it hilarious. She'd let me pet her then at least.
I think the brush heads for electronic toothbrushes usually come with a cap. My kids and I all have electronic toothbrushes, and our kitten tried to chew the brush heads once. So, now we all put the cap on after we’re done. Our kitten also lost interest in them since he realized that he can’t get to the brush heads anymore. Lol.
I would just pop it in the dishwasher
You've only been with him 2 months and he's already trying to be controlling. Leave the bf and kiss the cat.
This should have way more upvotes. 60 days in this guy is telling you how to live your life. You give into this and the next step is he will be saying to choose between him and rehoming the cat. And if you don’t comply the cat will “get lost”
Came here to say both these things! So spot on. It’s not about kissing a cat being unhygienic- it’s about control and that was my thought that next thing would be him making her “choose.” OP chose right- NTA
IMO, find a guy the cat likes. Indifferent can be ok, but if the cat actively avoids the person then run very far away.
I didn't listen to my cat about this and dated an abuser (he abused me and the cats. I should have seen it sooner than I did).
If a cat likes someone you know they are probably solid company.
This is horrible advice because you know what happens when your cat approves of the person you date?! You lose your cat. I started dating my husband and that dang cat of mine preferred him over me!! He has since passed on (the cat not the husband) so when the next one comes into my life I am making darn sure that cat doesn't give a single thought to how great my husband is.
(I am kidding...sorta...your advice is sound otherwise)
I didn't listen to my boy, Apollo, and I also ended up with an abuser.
My Queen Mab was never wrong!
Seriously, who changes their lifestyle for some one after two months of dating. I have had a rule since beginning dating if you don't *love* pets you can't be with me. Clearly he incompatible with you and friends who sided with bf can have him. Sheesh. I mean, why get up in arms about someone not being what you want that early in a relationship. I mean really why ever? It's your relationship and you decided when he gave an ultimatum and decided it was a deal breaker for you. That happens when ultimatums are delivered at times. He said do these things out else. It doesn't matter who else thinks it's a reasonable demand, it matters if you do. I can't imagine spending a lifetime with someone who thinks my pets and what I do with them is gross either.
My husband enjoys our pets. The cat has chosen him as his person. Last week cat fell asleep in his lap and then husband fell asleep in the chair petting him. This is what I want in my life.
Yeet him. It always starts with something small then the next thing you know hes giving you an ultimatum.
He already did though.
You'll come home one day to a 'missing' cat. You made the right call
Yup. We've all seen the stories here and on AITA-adajacent subs.
Man and former cat owner here (so may be biased)
Dump the guy find someone who loves crumb
yk, i always go by the rule that if a pet doesnt really like a person, maybe, just maybe, i shouldnt too. i loved the energy of your "ok bye" to kyle btw. nta, put kyle outside the room when crumbs is in, or get kyle a crate💙
Any Godfather reference is a good Godfather reference. NTA
He made her an offer she could easily refuse. NTA
NTA but on a more serious note. Cat tax
My cats name is cannoli and i also agree 💯
Also kissing ur pet goodnight is so common and normal? Like I do that to my dog too. Kiss on chest andncheek tho. NTA
I kiss my cats all the time, one of them has a specific 'kisses!' meow. Kiss the top of his head, his cheek, his chest and he purrs.
How does one have cats and dogs and NOT kiss them?!
Your cat sounds adorable omg
Kiss and rub before I leave for work. She meows aggressively until I leave anyway. She'll force her head in my hand. It isn't at all wrong - can't control the cat and I'm not about to tell her no. I think she can tell my depression has been bad lately cause this much "aggressive loving" is only towards me. But she is extremely spoiled lol.
For the record, she doesn't bite, she just demands 24/7 rubs (which she usually gets unless I gotta be up early or she gets tired).
Yup. Kyle hasn’t asked OP to get rid of Crumb…yet. He seems to be heading in that direction though.
Exactly. And it will be a "Me or the cat" ultimatum.
Yep. Dump the guy. Life is too short to date a guy who doesn't like your cat.
Your BF's behavior is not going to change. He will only get worse/more demanding. I would worry that he would eventually hurt or get rid of your cat. The two of you are not compatible in the long run. Find someone who loves cats as much as you do.
Agreed. Unfortunately pet people and non pet people really have no future.
I also don't like that he wanted you to "punish" crumb. That's a red flag for a lot of reasons, but i would also never trust him alone with crumb for fear thar he might lash out. Not saying he would, but you never know. Also, the whole thing is a red flag for controlling behavior imo. NTA
Definitely NTA, the laughing in his face is a bit mean but I don't agree with your friends saying he wasn't asking to get rid of him. Cause you said he said he wanted the cat to go outside or in a crate when he was over. So if you would move in together the cat would be needed to be "not there" for ever
EDIT - Thanks for the award :)
EDIT 2 - Thanks for the awards :)
Woah. I never thought about it like this. How could I have a future with someone that would make me get rid of him if we were to ever progress? I don’t think I would want to be with someone who would make me choose - even though I WOULD choose Crumb.
Good rule of thumb, if you’re coming on AITA within 2 months of dating, the juice ain’t worth the squeeze.
ETA: Oooo my first animated award, I’ve always wanted one! Thank you for all the awards everyone!
this comment should be on the sidebar
Two months and he’s that sensitive and demanding? Yikes.
NTA, OP. I’m not a pet owner and the only questionable—but easily fixable—thing is the toothbrush. There’s nothing wrong with kissing fur babies or cuddling with them.
Yeah, I mean humans kiss way grosser things than cat bellies...
NTA and ditch the human, not the cat. Black cats are the best! Ours lived almost 20 years before passing away this spring.
My cats clean themselves AFTER I pet them, pretty sure they think I'm the gross one
Same with my rabbits. Like I’m sorry sir did I get you dirty with my head pets?
Exactly this, dating is to meet people and see if you have chemistry and are compatible. Kyle is showing he is not compatible with OP because he has radically different ideas on interactions with pets than she does. He is talking about their future but there is no future when you have such a fundamental mismatch in how to live. I believe in kissing cats. I would not be a good partner for someone who finds that repulsive.
I agree. And I can almost guarantee that there will be a mismatch in the idea of hygiene with kids too. Whether kids can play in mud or how often they have to bathe or a lot of different things that aren't black and white, but couples can argue over.
Is Crumb the last pet you ever want to have in your life? Because he sure will be, OP, if you go the long haul with Kyle.
I missed the 2 months part. That makes it even more ridiculous. NTA
You deserve it. Good point made
You can't. In his eyes, it's him or Crumb. So dude's gonna have to go at some point.
Or even worse, he’d have Crumb “accidentally” get out and lost, so he wouldn’t have to live with him. You’re way better off without this guy. Find yourself a fellow cat lover.
This was my first thought too. He clearly doesn't understand or care about her bond with the cat (or probably anyone's bond with their pets) and therefore doesn't give a shit about what would happen to the cat if it "ran away."
I don’t even own a crate. Animals don’t belong in cages
Crates are very useful transporting animals safely or keeping them safe in an emergency.
My kitty Luna falls asleep in her crate all the time. We keep it near her to make sure she's not afraid of it when she needs to go in it for the vet's or something like that. She loves to sit in it or sleep in it. Once we even caught her in it the day after she'd been to the vet's with it. It was really assuring to see that she doesn't associate it with bad stuff, plus adorable.
I mean, there are benefits to crate training for dogs (and if yoj start it from puppy hood the crate can be a positive place for them to be safe and comfy, not a bad lonely place-- but this comes with caveats like you keep the crate in a space where you spend a lot of time so they don't see it as separation because it isn't, ect), but I've honestly never heard of crate training a cat. That's ridiculous.
The only "crate training" I've ever heard of for cats is to establish their carriers as a cozy pet bed to make vet trips and travel less stressful. Definitely not a daily lock-up though, that's insanity.
My MIL has “crate-trained” her cat for tornado warnings/watches. They come to our house & it keeps him with us instead of being in an unfamiliar environment and hiding somewhere. Other than that, he has the run of his house!
We have crates for my dogs. They stay open, so they come and go as they please. Dogs are natural den animals, so the crates are like their den. They go in when they need to feel safe, or they want to sleep.
Cats on the other hand.... do not belong in crates.
I’m a dog person. My wife is a cat person. Our second cat took a liking to peeing in my laundry basket. Don’t know why. I hated that cat. Solution: close the closet door religiously and keep cat away from laundry. Partner > stupid pet. NTA. Note: I really like our next cat and it liked me more than my wife. Pissed her off. I told her, I earned my karma. Or something like that 😸
Just for future reference: the most common reason for inappropriate elimination in cats (i.e. going outside the box) is that they've come to associate the litterbox with something negative, like pain or fear.
The place they choose to go instead is often a source of comfort or safety (maybe liking the smell of the laundry, or the softness of the clothes, or even just feeling safe in the enclosed space of the closet).
So it's usually a good idea to get them checked out by a vet when they start doing that.
Sometimes it is just behavioral though. Our cat for some reason decided not to like my husband. As a kitten she use to snuggle him, but for some reason she just… stopped. She started peeing on his clothes, his pillow, his shoes- anything that was HIS. She passed every health check so it was determined to just be behavioral.
On a hunch he started forcing affection on her. She tries to run away from him, but she is the cuddliest cat to everyone else so we would cuddle her- then hand her to him. It’s taken over a year, but she has fully stopped peeing on his stuff and she now begrudgingly seeks affection from him when her preferred people aren’t available.
He sends pictures of her angrily loafing on his lap 😂
Oh yeah, it can be behavioural too. But it's so important to rule out health issues first, just in case.
And it's weirdly common for people to interpret their cat peeing on things as "spiteful", when that seems to be really rare (if it ever happens at all, I'm not convinced, personally).
Can confirm. Our cat peeing on our down comforter is how we found out he has a chronic bladder stone issue.
Urethra blockage for mine. On a male cat it can completely stop urine flow and the cat could even die! On females, urination is difficult and painful, but the condition is not necessarily fatal, as female cats have a wider urethra or something-so it is harder to completely block. It *can* be treated.
Cats might pee-or *try* to pee- on a comforter or blanket, cause *soft*. Or the sink, cause *cool*. (Apparently there is a burning sensation, kitty thinks the cool sink might be soothing).
It can also be a stress thing. I used to live in an annoying situation and my cat would constantly pee on my couches. It was awful, constantly cleaning up and buying covers and whatever. Had her checked, totally fine other than terrible separation anxiety. Gave her kitty Valium for a year, barely helped and she was so zonked I hated it.
Finally moved out, now I WFH but even when I go out, no more inappropriate pees. It was her vibing off my stress entirely.
Cats are crazy. Love them, but crazy pets nonetheless.
He’s already asking you to “crate” him (which is incredibly cruel for cats…don’t get a cat if you want to “crate” him)
I’ll bet whatever you want that if this relationship progresses he’ll ask you to get rid of him at the 6 months mark.
This guy was pushing from the start. Moving goalposts. He would have pushed and pushed until you got rid of the cat or him. He was just so entitled that he was expecting it to be the cat.
I'm GLAD you laughed in his face. He needed a wake-up call that he's not the center of the universe.
Yeah, he is basically going to keep pushing you until you get rid of Crumbs.
Boyfriend doesn't sound very nice.
My dad's new partner told me at some point that their relationship wouldn't have had a future, if he hadn't liked her cat.
Take it from a 70-something lady. Your partner doesn't have to be the same kind of cat-crazy (although it helps), but liking your pet should be the base line. :)
I don’t date people that my cats don’t like. Crumb has spoken
I could never. That's horrible. My heart is broken thinking of that poor kitty.
Anyone who doesn't absolutely love animals (and I mean love, not tolerate) is a dealbreaker for me. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life.
>How could I have a future with someone that would make me get rid of him if we were to ever progress?
If he is already making *demands* about crating your cat or putting your inside cat out only 2 months into your relationship the demand that you get rid of your cat is coming sooner rather than later. Especially if you give in at all. This is a test ultimatum to see how you will react and how far he can go.
I'm sorry but how the fuck is it gross to kiss your (indoor) cat? That's ridiculous and you are NTA. Kyle needs to check himself because that is just drama queen behavior.
Most pet owners kiss their pets. They're family, we love them. I will continue to kiss my cats for all eternity, before I ever allow a potential partner to dictate how to show my affection to my babies. The door is right there kind sir. Good riddance.
Or he would make Crumb disappear one day when you were out. I will never trust a partner that is ever bitter about my cat.
I don't know, I think laughing in his face was completely appropriate considering they've only been dating 2 months.
Yes these were his demands after 2 months. By month three Crumb would be gone. I say put Kyle in a crate and ship him somewhere else.
I think you need to rehome him.
The BF I mean. You are too incompatible and he is asking way too much. This is well beyond making him comfortable, this is him trying to change the way you live your life after 2 months together?? Screw that.
From personal experience, I say find yourself a cat man, you’ll be much happier.
Where does one find a Cat Man?! I’ve only ever heard about them in Fairytales
Living with our mom and cats lol, but seriously I don't know anyone who would think loving their pets is gross
If anything I see responsible and loving pet owners as a green flag. Key words are responsible and loving. Having a pet doesn't mean they are a good person.
Sidenote: if you were to cage Crumbs when he is there does that mean Crumbs would be in a cage for more than 8hrs? That's just cruel.
The way people treat their pets is a huge clue as to how they’ll treat other people or a significant other
Absolutely!! The night I first met my now-fiance, we went back to his apartment and he was excited to introduce me to his cat. As soon as we got there and sat down, she jumped up on his shoulders and rubbed her face on his ear, purring like a jet engine. My heart melted.
Lots of people. All my Hispanic family hate pets. My wife was one of them, but she grew to love our cats, not their poop tho
My husband and I are both men and both obsessed with our cat, who is the tiniest, most persnickety baby man I’ve ever seen.
Cat men exist and you can find them ❤️
Two cat men are better than one!
Your family sounds adorable!
Lol I have one. They exist. I’m more of a dog person, but I like cats too. I will say that after having a kid who is now a toddler and another on the way I can see the draw to cats. They love attention, but then like to do their own thing too. Way easier to care for too. I’m starting to think the family pet will be a cat in the future.
This is why I have cats lol. I mean dogs are cool, but they are way too much work (unless you just stick them in a crate/outside and/or don't train them properly...and I wouldn't do any of that). I have 3 cats and they stress me out sometimes, but I'm sure it would be much more chaotic with 3 dogs. I don't have to take them outside to use the bathroom and they love napping just as much as me.
Have you thought about a bunny? I ... absolutely never would have gotten a bunny. Ever. I do dog-sitting. No bunnies.
Annnnd then I found a (totally domesticated) bunny in the parking lot at work. And now I have a bunny that has the run of the house and loves my dogs and I only need to keep him safe when I have a visiting pupper that doesn't get that he's a pet.
And BunBun sleeps under my bed. And hangs out when I'm doing hobbies. And likes my cat. (My cat... ehhhh... not so much)
I had 2 bunnies! Dwarf bunnies, litterbox-trained, that ran around my apartment freely when I was home. Awesome pets. One of them lived for 12 years.
I've found mine on Discord
EDIT: Just shared this story with him, and his first reaction was "That was a bad boyfriend"
I can confirm we mostly lurk on discord, the pets channel on one of the game servers I'm on is almost entirely cats
It takes trial and error, my hubs was against cats till we got our two boys as kittens found in the woods. He’s now cat dad and takes naps with both cats on his lap getting belly rubs. Most people who are general animal people are a good starting point and having a “how do you feel about cats” question in the getting to know you stage is key
I know what you actually meant but i’m happier pretending you mean the cats give your hubs belly rubs.
I wore my husband down for a cat and now he’s super devoted to her. It’s adorable
I married someone who’s totally on ‘team dog’, he still is, but we had two cats for almost 20 years and no dog… yet. I suspect rather than a Cat Man, one who just likes/understands pets will be more than suitable.
I finally found a cat man, but i'm still torn because I
have both a dog and a cat and am an "animal" person in general. He loves my cat and is okay with the dog, but still want him to love my dog too 😂 Half-kidding- the most important thing is that he understands that *I* love my dog, and he does respect that. No way would I ever choose a boyfriend who hated my pets.
Sorry, i'm already taken. My GFs cats adopted me, so this is my life now.
NTA, crumb will be in your life for the next 16-20 years, Kyle should only be there for the next 16-20 hours.
If he’s like this now it’s only going to get worse. He’s acting jealous of a kitten.
I wish they lived forever
NAH. Everyone is different... And, you ARE going to get various opinions.
After my divorce and I started online dating, and I kept an eye out for profiles where the woman has a pet photo. I skipped writing to anyone like that. I am allergic to most animals, if they are kept indoors. And, if a woman has a photo of themselves with their pet on their profile, I knew the pet would be an issue for me.
I personally agree with him and the toothbrush. But, this is your cat, and you have to find someone you are compatible with. Just because you date someone doesn't mean you are COMPATIBLE. That's the point of dating.... You can see now that the two of you are not compatible. Not the end of the world. It doesn't make either of you wrong, either. Just not a match.
EDIT - Thanks for the awards :)
Thank you for this perspective. I guess I have just been nervous about dating since my last breakup. For some reason, I have this idea in my head that I HAVE to make it work. Kyle is GREAT in literally every other way, so it is sad.
Kyle knew I had Crumb before we went on our first date. I also made it super clear how important Crumb is to me. He said he was cool with cats.
Yes, it is very easy to lose sight of this fact. But that is the whole point of dating - to find someone to share your future with (provided, you ARE looking for something serious - not everyone is). Not everyone is a perfect fit And forcing things doesn't usually work out. Better to know now, right? Instead of spending years with the person and then figuring this out later. Doesn't make either of you guys bad.
Quite often, many people don't look at things this way.
On the other hand, though, I always thought I was okay with pets until I lived with housemates whose dogs were completely undisciplined and the house was truly gross. I really had to push for the concept of making me room a dog-free space (i.e. but fido likes that room! Ok, but fido isn't renting that room so if you didn't want to give up that space, don't rent it out.)
So if I read on a profile that someone had pets prior to that experience, I really might not have understood a profile like yours to mean .... my lips will be on their mouth, the pet will they will be in your personal space constantly, there will be no opportunities to take a break from being around it, and it will be chewing on your toothbrush, etc. And if my potential partner just laughed at me instead of talking that through, I wouldn't feel good about that either. Anyways. I know that cats are different, but I can completely understand how it might be really different than what he was expecting, esp if he's coming from somewhere that pets don't rule the house and there are boundaries, rules, etc. Either way, it sounds like the wrong fit so I'm glad for both your sakes that this is ending
OK so he lied.
I'd also be worried about what he might do with/to Crumb behind your back. His whole attitude is a red flag about what kind of person he is. Yeet him before he yeets your cat. There are cat men out there! (Maybe put a photo of Crumb in your next dating profile to weed out the cat haters/attract the cat lovers) NTA of course
I think you're reading way too much into this to suggest he will actually commit violence against the cat. Plenty of people are fine with cats, but are a bit germophobic and don't want to kiss them or let them near toothbrushes or not let them sleep in their bed. Those are fine and normal boundaries to have, and still be someone who likes animals. Him trying to force her to conform to his boundaries with her own cat is over the line, but it doesn't make him a flipping cat murderer. It probably just means they aren't compatible for a long term relationship. Reddit is so dramatic sometimes.
Idk the part where he got mad at her for not adequately “punishing” the cat set off some alarm bells for me as well.
Yup. "Punishing" a cat for doing normal cat things is a huge red flag. I wouldn't leave him alone with the cat after that either. That is an attitude that brings animal abuse.
Suggesting to put the cat in a crate is also a huge red flag for me. I have literally never heard of crating a cat, theyre roamers. Locking her outside of the room is fine, but crating seems cruel for most cats.
It seems like he just doesn't know a lot about cats to be honest. Maybe he's projecting what he knows about dogs (that you can crate train them) onto cats
He didn't lie. I'm fine with cats, but you still need to be hygienic. I have a friend who has a cat and she has firm boundaries. Her cat isn't allowed inside her room. No jumping on counters when she's prepping food. Very reasonable rules. Despite what OP thinks, you can absolutely train a cat. It's harder than a dog, but if you aren't up to being a responsible pet owner, don't get a pet you can't handle!
Letting your cat rub it's face on your toothbrush and then not changing it is fucking disgusting.
You know you can just wash the toothbrush right? Like if you drop your toothbrush on the floor do you throw it away? If a cat steps on a plate do you need to throw the plate out? Get a grip.
If I dropped my toothbrush on the ground near the toilet I would 100% throw it away. Zero hesitation
You're really young still and I'm going to tell you something I wish someone told me when I was 24. You're going to meet a lot more great guys and some not so great, that's just life. You shouldn't stay in a relationship because you feel like you have to try or because you think you won't meet someone else. In 3 years, you'll (hopefully) still have Crumb and Kyle will just be some.dude you dated for a few months years ago. You probably won't even remember why you thought he was so great. Compromises are normal in relationships, but for things like what to eat, where to go on a date or live. A pet you already had before you guys met? Not a compromise and you guys will never see eye to eye on this.
I too, think that Kyle sounds like he is jealous of Crumb.
Know that this will NOT stop here. This is the period in a relationship when he wants to show himself at his best.... yuck. He will get worse.
This guy will probably promise you the moon if you tell him that his behaviour towards Crumb is the reason you break up with him, but if you then give him a "trial time period" he will go back to the same behaviour the second he feels he is "safe" that he is your boyfriend. He will be much happier with a girl without any pets (or he will find something else to irritate him, but then it is not your problem anymore) and YOU will find someone that loves you AND Crumb.
Lots of guys like animals. Liking animals is not any guarantee that a man is a great person, but I'd say it is way more likely than a man who doesn't. Also, any guy suggesting you lock your friend in a crate is definitely lacking emapthy. You do best in avoiding trying to build anything with that kind of person.
And: who doesn't kiss their pets? I bet even my macho dad kisses his dogs and cat when noone is looking. He certainly builds his daily life around them and constantly have their best as his top priority.
That’s actually wise. If you have an issue - you accept it is YOUR issue and aren’t going around to a bunch of women “I might like you - but will you get rid of your dig if we eventually fall in love?”
You’re like “I dint want pets. By extension - dint want a relationship with someone with pets. Or who wants pets.”
Like it’s fine for Kyle to dislike cats, dogs, or geckos. But it’s not cool for him to try to make that the OPs problem rather than his problem which is what he has done here.
I think Kyle is an asshole purely because he *doesn't* take the responsibility that you do here. You know you can't live with pets, so you do your best to keep it from being an issue.
The way Kyle acted here and what he demanded is asshole stuff, not the mere act of not wanting to live with an animal, you know?
Perfect response. I found the the fact that she’s still willing to use the toothbrush a little odd, but other than that everything was fine. Nothing wrong with the bf being grossed out, but the two of them just don’t work together. It sucks but it is what it is
Why is that odd? Literally just wash it with soap and water. These comments are so strange.
Your comment is strange to me to be honest. It’s a toothbrush. Just keep it clean. By this logic you could also scrub the toilet or the floor with the toothbrush and clean it after, but you don’t do that. Because it’s gross. So train your animals to not rub on/chew the toothbrush. Simple.
I hear you—I didn’t grow up with pets and would probably have felt how Kyle feels once upon a time. Kyle becomes the AH, though, when asking his gf of 2 months to change her routines with a cat she’s had for years. That’s not his place. If he isn’t ok with the cat, he should find a gf without one.
While I think Kyle and (to a lesser extent) OP are both a bit extreme in their views on cats, that's kind of besides the point. There is no compromise solution on this issue that both of them find acceptable.
Thus they are not compatible and their relationship will not last.
Better to face that fact now than in a few months.
NTA. Kyle is out of his mind to think he gets to demand anything in your house when you've been seeing each other for a whole two months. Good riddance to a control freak. Give Crumb a kiss for me.
Kiss has been given :)
Can I request a chin scratch?
One for me too please!
Nta.there are 2 types of people in the world.. those that kiss their pets and those who think its gross. We can not live amicably with each other and should stay in our lane. You and Kyle are not compatible and after only 2 months.. its just not worth working out.
Peace was never an option.
Agree with this, but for this reason I would say NAH. These two should break up and find people they get on with.
I was tempted to go with 'your'e just not well suited', but him making demands like locking up and punishing your cat shows he's not even willing/able to listen to you on basic things, and demanding you focus on a future together to the point of getting rid of your beloved pet when you've been together two months??? That's probably a huge red flag about control issues.
Yep. This right here. The fact that he seems to hate pets and op has one alone could be an insurmountable obstacle in their relationship. The way he is going about acting like he owns op and her home and suggesting torturing the cat could be a precursor to some even more serious issues.
NTA. I would have done the EXACT same thing. Also you are an ass though because i DEMAND to see crumb. please. for christmas
Cat Tax is up!!
You made the right choice. How could you resist giving mr crumb a kith?
NTA. You two are incompatible. And you've known Crumb longer than Kyle.
And Crumb sounds way more fun to hang out with
I'm tempted to put Y T A because you haven't posted pictures of Crumb...
But obviously NTA, cats are very hygienic creatures and if I were you I'd get a new boyfriend that actually likes cats, Crumb sounds wonderful.
Crumb pics are up!
I LOVE HIM
Yes CRUMB PICS NOOWWWW!
Also deepspace your post will confuse the bot. Space out the y t a so it isn't counted...
I happen to agree with your bf, but I don't think you're an AH. You should never compromise on something if you feel strongly about it. I think it is hilarious you told him the cat is ten thousand times more important than him.
You should generally add NAH to your post if you feel nobody is the asshole so it counts towards the votes.
NAH. Not growing up with pets, then having one who's allowed to "run the house" as you say is a huge adjustment. Can't call him an AH for voicing concerns.
He’s an AH for making demands about punishing the cat and putting it outside or in a crate and for telling OP to never kiss her cat again.
Pets aren't important to Kyle. They are very important to you. It's not that he's a bad person, it's that you want different things. It's okay to choose having pets over a particular guy. I adore my pets. I probably wouldn't be with my husband if he didn't like pets because we would just be too different. Find someone who wants pets in their life or is willing to keep an open mind.
NTA. Even if you put him outside the room, Crumb would probably get upset and meow/scratch at the door to get his spot back, right?
>he told me that I took it as a joke and didn’t punish Crumb. I tried to explain that you can’t punish cats (nor would I want to in this scenario), but he wouldn’t hear it. He then went on to say that me kissing Crumb is disgusting, especially his face, and he wouldn’t ever kiss me if I kissed Crumb again. He asked me to put Crumb outside the room when he is over, or lock him in a “crate.”
Two months into a relationship and he wants to punish your pets and change the way you interact with them? What a controlling jerk. He wouldn't be my boyfriend after this.
Crumb is VERY attached to me. He likes to be in the same room as me at all times. Obviously this isn’t always feasible (or comfortable - ex. sex, which he is NEVER in the room for) but after a certain point of time he will start meowing and scratching to come in. This leads to crying and screaming and causing him distress. He barely tolerates being in a carrier when I take him to the vet. I don’t think he would tolerate a crate in his own home. I am worried it would make him afraid of me.
Cats should never be crated except in specific situations (like going to the vet). Certainly not just to lock him up at home. Dogs are den animals so they like the safety of crates; cats aren't, and they only feel trapped and panicked and afraid.
How about you listen to your cat who clearly doesn't even like your boyfriend. ANIMALS KNOW WHO'S WORTHY OR NOT. TRUST THE CRUMB Ditch the asshole
Fellow cat owner here. Lack of hygiene rules, you will be much better without this dude.
Screw compromise, you are dating a guy for two months. Also, his solutions were not compromise, because, you know, imagine if you moved together, how would that work.
Meh, if you date a person with children or pets, you just accept them and their routine and that's is. Or just gtfo.
If he wanted to live the cat bed a few feet away - you could probably make that work. But he seems to find the existence of the cat a hygiene problem.
Dump the boy, the cat is so much better
He sucks because he’s got some pretty extreme expectations and is pressuring you. If he genuinely feels this way, he should make sure to date only people without pets.
But you’re also not looking great here. If you want to build a full, deep relationship with someone, you’ll have to recognize that 1) it requires some sacrifices over time and trying to me the other’s needs even if you don’t completely agree and 2) that even some pet-owners would say your situation is extreme and off-putting. And laughing in his face when he’s trying to talk to you about something serious to him is just shitty.
NTA. Dude is just telling you that he isn't a long term prospect, find someone that appreciates Crumb
I’m going to go against the grain here and say YTA.
I don’t care that he’s in indoor car (and good for you btw that’s really good) he still uses his tongue as toilet paper. What you’re doing is quite gross. And pets need boundaries and discipline.
I’ve owned four cats in the past and I currently have two dogs. I get it. I love my animals and I’m sure you do too. But your animals shouldn’t be in charge of the house.
Neither should a brand new bf.
If he can’t deal with her cat he’s free to leave
Yes he’s free to leave if “he can’t deal with her cat” but I think he also can’t deal with her attitude towards the cat. They’re probably incompatible and it’s for the best.
But OP should be careful. This ‘He should love me for who I am’ attitude may lead to a lifetime of loneliness. Yes, a partner should love you unconditionally. But sometimes that love looks like encouraging you to improve yourself. Being unyielding in your bad habits (and these are bad habits let’s be honest) is not a good trait.
NTA. i have a cat (goose) who is my bestest buddy on the planet. i would be simply incompatible with anyone who didn't enjoy him as much as i do.
also dont forget the pet tax. ;)
Aw I love the name Goose! Just edited with Cat Tax :)
Nta. But he's right, you are disgusting. Not life threatening disgusting but still repulsive to non-pet owners.
Cats do a remarkable job keeping themselves clean although I'll hesitate putting anything in or near my mouth/face that is directly attached to the cat. Also, just for the fact you are brushing everyday, there is probably hair everywhere that you are just accustomed to.
NAH, just two people that are incompatible in their feelings towards cats (maybe all animals).
Nothing you're doing is wrong. But he can't help how he feels either, it probably genuinely grosses him out that you're kissing his cat then kissing him.
Some people would try and overcome this for another person, but I'm not sure it is happening this time.
Two months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things and ending things now is probably better for everyone in future.
Maybe next time get in the "do you like cats?" question quick - even better if he has a cat.
NTA 'okay, bye' is the only appropriate response. He wants you to stop YOUR loving routine with Crumb and he isn't going to grow to accept it. There are pet owners and pet *parents* and everyone else and for pet parents, this sort of thing is a deal breaker, as it should be.
NTA. Crumb sounds like a normal adorable cat. Your boyfriend is the problem. Honestly, you deserve better than someone who's going to constantly criticize you and try to distance you from people you care about. If he's getting this controlling this early on about a cat, it doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship.
NTA. Get a new boyfriend tbh
NTA- you need to find a fellow cat lover. This isnt going to work as this dude sees the cat as competition.
NTA and get rid of the boyfriend. Though your cat rubbing on your toothbrush is gross and I hope you clean it before using it again.
I love cats, dogs, all pets really. But the toothbrush thing is absolutely gross and Kyle rightfully is grossed out about it, especially if OP simply put it away without rinsing it off or anything.
The reality is cats clean themselves regularly with the same tongue they clean their butthole with. Petting the cat, even kissing it, is different than shoving a toothbrush likely coated with cat feces particles in your mouth and scrubbing. Clean it please.
But 100%, the rest of his objections simply show incompatibility. If someone has the balls at 2 months into a relationship to demand you crate your behaved pet when they are over, the relationship is doomed. The implication is that once you move in together the cat will ALWAYS be crated (which is cruel), or more likely he will insist you get rid of the cat (which is bullshit).
People are saying he lied about being fine with cats, but I'd like to give him benefit of doubt. Someone who never had a pet likely doesn't even realize what goes into having a pet. The same can be said for children. His experience with cats may simply be randomly seeing them and nothing more, so in his mind he was "fine" with cats. After seeing what owning a cat is really like he realized he was not "fine" with cats. The same can apply to dating someone who has kids, at first they may be fine with the idea but the reality of the situation may be different than they imagined.
NTA, it’s your place and your cat. There’s nothing unhygienic about giving your indoor cat a kiss, my partner and I kiss our boy every time we come home from work and through the day. Your cat sleeping in your room isn’t gross either, he’s got his own bed and you said you brush him daily so hair isn’t as big of a problem. Him potentially getting hair on your toothbrush from rubbing isn’t great but you can clean it or just get a replacement toothbrush head if it was really a issue to you. You need to sit Kyle down and have a serious talk about setting boundaries because he’s trying to make rules at your house about your cat which isn’t his place. It’s been two months and if you loving your cat is going to be a issue it might just be best to cut it off
NAH You both have your wants, needs and boundaries that you are entitled to have. The two of you are simply not a compatible couple, no need to force it. Time for both of you to move on and find more appropriate parteners
If you like being a dirty person that's ok. Just don't inflict yourself on anyone. I've heard stories of cat owners like you. They saw the cat licking the butter meant for a baked treat for a work party and just being ok with using it still and letting for their coworkers eat it. Cat people can be so nasty.
He dodged a bullet. But you're NTA because you're allowed to be as dirty as be gross as you want
Some people aren’t pet people, that’s cool. And honestly I would have gone NAH, BUT the (ex, I hope) BF suggesting that you “punish” a cat for being a cat suggests he might be both a tad rigid and, well, mean. Animals are animals, and don’t deserve to be punished for anything.
Keep Crumb and his amazing tail. Dump the dude.
>he doesn’t like my nightly routine with Crumb
>Kyle says I am unhygienic because of this
>He says Crumb is dirty (he is inside only and I brush him every day) and even letting him sleep in the bedroom is gross and gets fur everywhere
>told me that I took it as a joke and didn’t punish Crumb.
>I tried to explain that you can’t punish cats (nor would I want to in this scenario), but he wouldn’t hear it. He then went on to say that me kissing Crumb is disgusting, especially his face, and he wouldn’t ever kiss me if I kissed Crumb again. He asked me to put Crumb outside the room when he is over, or lock him in a “crate.”
It sounds like he either has some really weird ideas about cleanliness that don't line up with a relationship with pet owner, or he has some weird insecurity about your relationship to the cat. Either way.. I would personally find this a huge deal breaker for me, and I would have called him out on him claiming you're ruining your future when he's making the ultimatum of taking away kisses if you're affectionate with your cat.